My letter to God

I don't know myself anymore. Its scary, very. But i just can't figure out why this isabel here making such decisions with such thoughts and actions. I dislike the ME now, very much. The feeling that i'm the worst and terrible person in world makes my emotion go roller coaster. Even a simple Christian song makes me cry, like i'm a sinner who doesn't deserve God at all. What if even HE condemn me?

I don't think i can take these anymore, especially when there's no one i can share with, not that i don't have friends, but it is something i suppose to keep secret of. But i never kept any, not even my own deepest shit, now i'm struggling. The only thing that hold on to me is, if i were to tell, i'll hurt people around me, even more.

Or its all just me, being too self determined in certain boundaries and rules, like usual. Or its the thesis and assignments rush that makes all the sleepless nights and long computer time effect kicks in. Or its just one of the time where the weather changes and sickness came along with more drowsiness and blur symptoms. I wish i know.

Lord, help me through. It might not be a thing for some people and think i'm just getting too detail in little things like these but i know i'm not. But i know this is a challenge i must face, to change myself not to be too self secured in my own feelings and to try understand people around me. To not being judgmental in things i heard which might not be even true. To not being selfish and insensitive to people around me. To open up my heart and accept things i used to repulsive toward and last, to be a person more like u Lord.

Yours sincerely,

Isabel